A few months ago I set up a parody Donald Trump-themed dating website aptly named Trump.Singles. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, didn’t I almost get sued by Donald Trump for owning a website with ‘trump’ in the name? Yes, yes I did. But in the end The Donald cut me a two figure check, which I think means I won the legal battle and I’m allowed to do it again. Plus, that was before he was running for president, and now I think it’s my patriotic duty and God-given right to make fun of Donald Trump.
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The concept behind my Trump dating website was simple: in an effort to breed the most luxurious and intelligent wall-building babies the world has ever seen, Trump.Singles would serve as a place where wealthy people with the last name Trump could meet other wealthy people with the last name Trump. The only downside to Trumpbreeding is that the children would have cartoonishly small hands.
Now, here’s the thing. I often start funny projects like Trump.Singles and never really tell anyone about them. It goes a little like this:
Last week, Fox News’ Fox and Friends aired a segment featuring the website TrumpSingles.com (you may see where this is going) which is an actual, real thing that exists for Trump supporters to meet other Trump supporters without having to worry about the awkward moment they reveal that they’re a Trump supporter.
After the Fox News segment aired, thousands of single Trump supporters looking for love flocked to the internet and searched for “Trump singles.” Well, it turns out that my website, Trump.Singles, was the first result when you Googled that phrase. What’s more, the actual TrumpSingles.com crashed due to the heavy load of horny Fox News viewers, causing even more people to end up on my site in an attempt to connect with other Trump singles as quickly as possible.
I thought it was pretty obvious my website was a parody, but of the 4,000 people who visited Trump.Singles, at least 89 people who filled out the “Sign Up” form apparently had no idea. This led to some great “applications” to join Trump.Singles.
Here are some of my favorite comments that were submitted (and again, these are 100% real):
"Just heard about your website on Fox News. What a great idea. I wish you success." - Joe J.
Thanks Joe! It’s already a success, trust me.
"I have been a Donald Trump supporter since the beginning would love to meet a gentleman that has the same political views for our wonderful country! Trump2016" - Jackie C.
I wish you all the best Jackie.
"i wanna find me a sugar daddy so i can get that trump stump" - Brittany B.
"Go TRUMP or go home!" - Eric T.
I think America is getting ready to go home in November.
"I hope this is legit!!!!" - Suzanne A.
"I am a trump supporter" - Michele V.
I am not a trump supporter. - Nick B
"This is a great idea! I support Trump for POUS. I also predicted he’d win when he first appeared he was running!!!" - Emma B.
If you predicted Trump would be the GOP nominee when he first announced, then you’re far smarter than I am. Also, it’s POTUS.
"its great" - Steve W.
If it’s already great, then what is Trump trying to do again?
"No comment." - Sharon P.
"your domain names. .com and .org are jammed solid
watched on f and f this morning
couldn’t get on" - Craig S
So my website was the third Trump Singles site you tried using? Craig…I’m so sorry.
"Want to join and have you become President." - Lester B.
Nick Butler 2016 - Lester B.
"I’m black.." - Michael M.
Look, my African American!
"I am a patriotic American that wantsthis country to be great again. I want to meet somebody that will snuggle on the couch with me as we watch the election results roll in and celebrate when Mr. Trump crushes crooked Hillary." - Betty S.
Betty is looking for the man of her dreams. Literally, because what she just described will never happen.
On one hand, I feel bad for these people. On the other hand, it’s pretty damn obvious my website is a joke. Right next to the form they filled out, it says:
Unfortunately, none of the people who submitted an application to Trump.Singles was actually a member of the Trump family, which means I had to deny their application. I didn’t want to break their hearts too bigly, so I delivered the news in a way that would seem familiar to them: I wrote the rejection email as Donald J. Trump.
This is that email. Read it in Donald Trump’s voice.
That’s it. If (and when) I receive some responses to that email, I’ll be sure to update you all. In the meantime, if your last name is Trump and you’re looking for love, feel free to check out Trump.Singles.