An Open Letter to Zor’Pax Faelrin III, Earth Historian

Dear Zor’Pax,

First, I hope I am addressing you appropriately in my greeting. I can confirm, for my part, “What’s up dude?” works perfectly. Thank you for your communication. I can only begin to imagine how it was delivered—though I suppose electronically through g-mail and space and time, too. I’m fascinated to hear more about Glorithar history and Blargtorn culture. Your commitment to your craft is clear. Your lineage is commendable, and it seems only natural for you to assume this vocation. I’m very much honored you would consider consulting me and my work in pursuit of yours.

You shared a bit about your culture and family, so I feel compelled to do the same. My family isn’t a family of writers or historians (though, I think my grandmother was a writer, and I will someday publish what I have of her work)—but more a family of public servants, educators, and otherwise a proud and hard-working people. That is what I feel in my bones. And so, yes, I must admit an allegiance to America, in addition to Earth and humanity. My grandfather, Ralph, fought in WWII; my great-grandfather, also Ralph, fought in the Great War; and my great-great grandfather, Irving W., fought in the Civil War as a member of the 16th Independent N.Y. Battery. Two of his brothers died in the Civil War: his brother Zenas, who lied about his age and enlisted for the Union at 16, and his brother John, a Yankee who was killed at the First Battle of Bull Run. So, for better or for worse, there seems to be something worth defending here. But it’s becoming increasingly difficult to understand (let alone describe) what that thing is.

For my part, I can confirm your current understanding of America and its…position here on Earth is mostly accurate, if a bit sparse and disjointed. This is understandable, of course, given the delays and inefficiencies in your ability to access Earth information regularly. Because of that, you maintain an optimistic disposition toward our culture which I appreciate—one that I don’t want to fully break. In fact, your lack of insight into the current events of my time, presently January 2025, might even be beneficial in some scholarly way.

You would be upset to hear that, In The Year 2000, I supported George W. Bush against Al Gore in the American presidential election. I was 7 years old and a rumor spread on the playground: Gore wanted to extend the school week into Saturday. After an afternoon of sufficient campaigning, Gore only received a single vote in our 2nd grade mock election. Perhaps a prescient bulwark for things to come.

Yes, I’m also worried about whether a sickness has infected the great men you wrote about. Rudy, Trump, Newt. The implications of that possibility, given their current position toward power, taken to a certain extreme, would be profound. Newt—for his part—may actually live in a bog, but he is certainly not a member of the noble species which you described. None of them are, I’m afraid.

Finally, I fear that your blunt observation, “How your nations war when they could be laughing at ‘Charlie Bit My Finger,’ is beyond me!”, contains within it perhaps its own answer. It may be, in part, because we are watching Charlie Bit My Finger that our nations remain engaged in war, without sufficient public outcry in response or opposition. Does your planet and species have a history of war? And of oppression? Or revolution?

With that, I thank you again for your galactic communication, and look forward to future transmissions.

I remain,

Nick Butler
Sometimes Weekly